These days I woke up late. Usually, I wake up at 4 A.M.. These days I woke up 2 hours after 4: 6 A.M.. I wondering what had happening to me? Am I in a deppressed conditions? Or just want to woke up lately? Just want to wasting my time on bed? No no. I think the answers are more than that.
In 2 hours in the morning that I’ve lost these days, I usually can do 2-3 activities in my room. Read Bible for my own morning devotion, read one chapter of my book-reading (I have my own rule to read-finished at least one book a month if its thick, and at least two books if its have 100-200 pages only and the plot and the story are not hard to undertand). Besides, I can do 5-10 minutes exercise such as sit-up and streching. And the most important activity is looking at the sky-morning, listening to the birds that are singing, feel the cold and calm wind on my skin: on my face, my lips, my legs… my body. Those are really nice. Makes my heart and my mind calm and ease all of my problems and fixed them all. I feel so close to The Creator and thank for all the view, the feel, and the creations that He had created for me and for all people around the world: who believes and not believes in Him. Owh, He really-really fairly and lovely to all of His creation.
So, those all has been gone from me these days. I feel somethings loose from my heart and from my body: getting close to God. Actually I didn’t know yet why! I do not really busy these days. I do not feel bad to someone or have angry in my heart, such as about my past, my regrets, my coworkers, or I myself. Everyhing is undercontrolled and Jesus lead me, guide me, and He’s always there when I need Him—actually, I need Him always! So, where’s the problem??
Maybe the problem(s) comes from “everything is undercontrolled”. Yes! Well, ehem, I think I got the point. When everythings alright I feel satisfied and I thought there’re no else thing that I have to do. But for honestly, there’re so many things that I even have not touch yet—meanwhile those all that I have to work in. I mean, “everything” that I called “undercontrolled” is true, but just everyhings that is undercontrolled. There are every single things that not undercontrolled yet!
I will make it simpler. There are two categories: everythings that I called A and everythings that I called B. And maybe there are everything that I called C, D, E, etc. So, everythings that undercontrolled is just in the A category. The B category is not undercontrolled. Then so in C, D, E, etc category. If I jump to the other categories, I will/can see the un-undercontrolled zone. I think I know what is: I have not prepared myself yet to be a better teacher, to experiment the abilities and gifts that God had given to me. Times to enjoy the view of the glory of God’s creation is enough. Enough is enough. It’s time to do something to give the best to God who had given the best for me. And to give the best to God, as the pre-giving is to prepare myself well. So that I can give the best to Him. I should have a purpose every day. That will make me feel alive! Do something not (only) think and feel everything! Move on!
Without loosing the times to feel “getting close to God” in the morning all along and alone with God, I must wondering what gifts and abilities that God had given to me so I can give the best in every single day according to the gift and abilities that I have inside me, from God. [16/3/2010]